No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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