I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
