I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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