That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
