why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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