i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
