I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
