Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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