please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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