All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
