I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
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I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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