just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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