i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
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I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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