Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
