I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Sober January is a disaster.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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