The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
