Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
