If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
