I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
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he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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