3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
