apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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