Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Randomize
