hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
