guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
