i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
