Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
