since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
