I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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