Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
