Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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