not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
