I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
