Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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