I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
