ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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