My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
