You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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