Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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