If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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