What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
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Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
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Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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