he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I party with great urgency now.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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