Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
