are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
