My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize