I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
