So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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