The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
