This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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