wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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