I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
