You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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