Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
